... Laughter IS the best Medicine for all of Us...

The Labor Pain Transfer Machine

I got this one from my buddy, J.D....

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the Delivery Room doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.  The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining the even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

 

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.   The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this, they decided to try for 50%.

 

The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was obviously helping out the wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.  She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, they found the mailman was dead on their porch. 

 

Why you should never question a Drunk...

I got this one from a friend of mine. 

A young lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: 
 
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
 
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The young lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelictís intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

The Maid

The Maid asked for a raise. The Lady of the house was very upset about this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria answered, "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
The Lady of the house asked, "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria answered, " The Master said so."
The Lady of the house said, "Oh."
Maria then said, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
"Nonsense, " said the Lady of the house. "Who said you were a better cook that I am?"
Maria answered, " The Master said so."
The Lady of the house said, "Oh."
Then Maria said, "My third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
"Did the Master say so as well?" screamed the Lady of the house now upset.
"No Madam, the gardener did," said Maria.
She got the pay raise. 

The Ingredients in Viagra

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat

Homeless Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome guy, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob †and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy. A 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

IRS and the Rabbi

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?".

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick".